MY STORY

I was convinced for decades that my weight was the root of all my problems. It wasn’t until my late 40’s that I realised any excess weight I was carrying was simply an outward sign of deeper issues. Below outlines my history with food and alcohol addiction.

Decades of food and alcohol addction

I’m a sugar addict. Even a tiny amount of sugar can send me tumbling into a cycle of binge-eating that can last days, weeks or even months. And on occasion, years – seriously, years.

Strangely, I have more of a savoury tooth than a sweet tooth, if either is even a thing; I opt for savoury then sweet then savoury foods like I’m on a rollercoaster.

Once I lose control I find it extremely difficult to stop binge eating. It’s a comfort, an emotional crutch that I’ve had since I was young and processed foods were seen as an exciting and rare treat.

I was slim, fit and active throughout my childhood, teens and early 20’s. Processed food was a rarity – we reared our own meat and grew our own vegetables and fruits, so convenience foods were seen as a treat. We had supermarket food too, of course, but our diet was filled with whole foods, much of which was locally sourced.

My parents probably had a handful of bottles of wine a year but made their own wine as I got older. I was allowed a tiny glass of wine as a treat and I loved the light-headed, carefree feeling it gave me.

When my mum brought me Coke and crisps, I felt physical excitement and would wolf the lot down before I even thought about sharing. In fact, I found it hard to share – processed food was like a drug.

When I went off to university after a few rebellious years, I hated every moment of lectures, got three jobs instead and had my own money to buy alcohol, fast food and anything else I wanted. I was extremely fit, cycling everywhere and going to aerobics classes at least once a day, so whatever I ate fell off me. It probably did affect my mood and self-confidence a bit but I didn’t understand at the time and was too busy to notice.

When I left university I fell in with a wealthy crowd, who kept me topped up in food, drinks and party lifestyle. I began to put weight on slowly but didn’t really care – I was having the time of my life and was young enough to carry the weight well. I was travelling a lot and wasn’t keeping to regular hours. I was still working out now and then but exercise was definitely beginning to take a back seat.

Things started to get more serious as time went on. The lifestyle began to take its toll after a few years and I spiralled downhill frighteningly fast. Depression hit, alcohol dependence struck, binge eating crept in … and I stayed in a cycle of worsening self-abuse for a decade.

I’m a sugar addict. Even a tiny amount of sugar can send me tumbling into a cycle of binge-eating that can last days, weeks or even months. And on occasion, years – seriously, years.

Strangely, I have more of a savoury tooth than a sweet tooth, if either is even a thing; I opt for savoury then sweet then savoury foods like I’m on a rollercoaster.

When I left university I fell in with a wealthy crowd, who kept me topped up in food, drinks and fun. I began to put weight on gradually but didn’t really care – I was having the time of my life and was young enough to carry the weight well. I was still working out now and then but exercise was definitely beginning to take a back seat.

Agoraphobia

Over time I developed agoraphobia that prevented me from going out. I’d had bouts of social anxiety before but am a very outgoing, bubbly person who loved being around people so it hit me hard when I’d get myself ready to go out, only to face an invisible barrier when I got to my front door. I couldn’t physically go outside unless it was dark. I didn’t want to be seen. Unless I was headed to the supermarket for a quick fix, that is, in which case I’d rush in, get what I wanted and rush back home.

Obviously my issues were heavily related to what I was eating and drinking but I didn’t fully connect the dots about the deeper issues: why I was numbing myself in the first place

Hitting rock bottom

Unfortunately, in my late twenties I found myself in the rare position of being the victim of a rather unpleasant armed robbery. There was a moment where I came close to being shot in the head.

The ordeal lasted a few hours but then dragged on for weeks as the robber threatened my life several times and I had to go into hiding until he was caught.

A year later I went to South Africa with a friend to see her boyfriend and we headed to a remote game reserve. Sadly, they left me stranded after an argument over me not wanting to drink alcohol, and it took a lot of luck for me to be here at all. I was rescued by a couple of ex-police officers in the end – pure luck – and wanted to prosecute my friend and her man for attempted murder, which gives you an idea of how serious it was.

Anyhow, those two near death experiences were too much for me and a year after that I suffered my first mental breakdown.

My agoraphobia intensified, my depression worsened considerably and I found myself too frightened of people to go out much at all. I did go out a bit to see friends, family or go for a drive or to get shopping but beyond that I spiralled into isolation. And of course, ate and drank myself into a numb state.

I was happy on the outside but inside I was struggling.

Unfortunately, in my late twenties I found myself in the rare position of being the victim of a rather unpleasant armed robbery. There was a moment where I came close to being shot in the head.

The ordeal lasted a few hours but then dragged on for weeks as the robber threatened my life several times and I had to go into hiding until he was caught.

Anyhow, those two near death experiences were too much for me and a year after that I suffered my first mental breakdown.

I was happy on the outside but inside I was struggling.

The contentment trap

When I met Dave in 2003 I was around 230lbs, agoraphobic and suffering with PTSD. Not a great look. He was going through a bad time too though, so we sort of saved each other after meeting at a photography club my friend would drag me to. A couple of years later we stuck a pin in the map, moved to the south coast and established a wedding photography business.

M confidence had just about returned to normal but instead of eating to comfort myself I now ate to out of contentment. Dave and I would snuggle down in front of a film, eat and drink and enjoy our time together. We both put on some weight but I put on a LOT of weight which began to affect my self-worth.

Roll on 10 years and I was 100lbs heavier, Dave had been diagnosed with cancer of the bladder and I was about to go through another, more severe mental breakdown that would take years to recover from.

Past traumas left me battling anxiety, stress, depression, agoraphobia, PTSD, addiction and obesity for decades. Like so many of us, I tried diet after diet but gained more weight every time; trying to resist temptation only made my cravings and binge eating worse. I was trapped in a cycle of addiction and low self-worth with no end in sight.

Life stopped in its tracks when I suffered a scattering of nervous breakdowns. I had no choice but to face my issues head on and find a way to rebuild. As part of the long and challenging healing process I began to actively listen to my body.

It led me naturally towards fasting, time-restricted eating and a semi-carnivore diet rich in animal products. Meat, eggs, butter, cheese and cream with the odd low-sugar fruit or veg thrown in was all it seemed to want. It also craved quality sleep, hydration and gentle exercise.

It took a few more challenging years spent suffering the addiction cycle to finally learn that sugar is my enemy and animal fats are my friend. I worked out that so long as I focus on five simple things – fasting, resetting, exercise, sleep and hydration – I seem to do better in every area of my life. I call it the F·R·E·S·H way.

Since then I’ve embarked upon a long journey to lose 150lbs on a carnivore-ish (also known as semi-carnivore or ketovore) diet. Unfortunately I’m in and out of quite severe anaemia because of a B12 and vitamin D deficiency, so that’s making things a little more difficult.

I’ve decided to record my progress on the Carnivore-ish Cookie websit and on the Carnivore-ish Cookie YouTube channel to help keep myself accountable and learn as much as i can about this lifestyle. I hope my experience and resources will be of some help to you on your own path back to mental and physical health.